trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
