In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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