the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
