i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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