mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
