I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
