The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
