I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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