I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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