I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
