I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
