So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
