I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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