Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
