Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
