It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
