Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
