And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
