I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
