youre lurking in front of me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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