I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
