I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
