Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
