She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
