Your face is a jimmy john
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
