I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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