The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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