Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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