When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize