We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
