Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
