My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
