Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
