A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
