The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
