Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
porn star boner night. come get it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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