Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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