the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
