Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
