I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Randomize
