Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
did you just send me my own nude
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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