i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
