I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
