I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
