it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
