I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I love you.
Bad choice
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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