I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
