tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize