i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
