I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
