based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
