Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
