good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
