i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish i was in the wii world.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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