I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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